okay so this sounds fucked, but-
I think I smoke because when I’m alone at night it reminds me of when I was sixteen and I would steal dad’s cigarettes when he was passed out at 8 at night, put my little brother to bed, my mum would be asleep from codeine so I would go outside under the huge oak tree and sit on the concrete drain cover that my cat once got stranded under. I would light a cigarette and it was naughty but also fulfilling and for a few minutes the nicotine and smoke would completely remove me from my life, from my mind and it felt brilliant.
Now I’m not in that life anymore, my problems are the same, yet different, but it still, on some lesser feeling, it brings me that feeling, or memory at least, of escape. And that’s why I struggle on a psychological level to let go of the yellow champion ruby packet, ventii filters and crap tally-ho papers.