Am I defining myself by my weight today?

okay so this sounds fucked, but-

I think I smoke because when I’m alone at night it reminds me of when I was sixteen and I would steal dad’s cigarettes when he was passed out at 8 at night, put my little brother to bed, my mum would be asleep from codeine so I would go outside under the huge oak tree and sit on the concrete drain cover that my cat once got stranded under. I would light a cigarette and it was naughty but also fulfilling and for a few minutes the nicotine and smoke would completely remove me from my life, from my mind and it felt brilliant. 

Now I’m not in that life anymore, my problems are the same, yet different, but it still, on some lesser feeling, it brings me that feeling, or memory at least, of escape. And that’s why I struggle on a psychological level to let go of the yellow champion ruby packet, ventii filters and crap tally-ho papers.

I kind of miss those night’s I spent alone at my mums house. I don’t missed the neurotic, depressed bulimic side. But I miss having that freedom of night time, staying up as late as I want, in my own room, writing, reading, drinking tea or wine, smoking cigarettes and watching the smoke billow up into the sky. There was something, even though I was Ill, and I never wish to return to that, I found relief in those nights, and I miss that. I need that. 


I’ve been looking for a silver lining or reason for breaking my foot and for all this absolute fuckery that came of it. I can think of an immediate one now: due to not being able to shower standing up or stand up at all or basically do anything, I haven’t thrown up since march. And that, my friend, is the longest I have gone in three years, and I don’t intend to break that record.
It was also a wake up call because the only reason my foot actually broke was my low bone density, you never know, this may have saved my life.

i dont know how to help my brother because i think about when i was like that, and i cant imagine anything that would have gotten through to me. what can i say? i know what its like to feel the way he is feeling. I know what he is thinking. which i the hardest thing. because i cant think of anything i could say that would break into it.

found this photo of my brother and i in adelaide in 2007, i was 13 and he was 8 i think. 
we had just moved to adelaide and it was the first day of schools.
its so bitter sweet this photo because it was the year where everything changed for me in so many good ways, i came out of my shell, was able to be myself in a better co-ed government school, i started working hard on my ballet, i found life long friends and was with my first ‘Love’
But at the same time this photo was the beginning of ED overtaking my life after just waiting and hinting in the back of my head, and it was the beginning of the next six years of my fathers alcoholism, abuse and family hell, the year i lost my father.
i wouldn’t take any of it back though. 


p.s i have grown about a centimetre since then and now he’s about an inch taller than me.


so ive had (another) pretty bad day

but i was sitting in the library reading a sylvia plath book after having bawled my eyes out to my unit chair, and a guy came up to me and said,

"um excuse me, well i just wanted to tell you, my friends and i were watching you walk around, and we just wanted to say, the sun is out today because of you, and you look beautiful in that dress"

and i just sat there stunned and then my voice kindof shook and i said

"oh wow, oh wow really that so nice, oh wow thankyou,"

and he just said, 

"thats okay, have a good day"
and smiled and walked away

and i just sat there feeling, something. like something good. 

so annoyed

just posted this on a “thinspiration” face book page that claims to not promote pro-ana only health girls. funny thing is all the “healthy” girls are thin as fuck, blonde and all look the same. fuck people.

"sure looks like you’re supporting super thin girls. you should be so ashamed that your promoting pictures of super thin girls claiming it to be "healthy" inspiration and that nothing else matters as long as your ribs are visible and you waist is tiny. this is the same concept as pro-ana just in a different, just as damaging light. congratulate yourself for the complexes you are simply fuelling in girls with distorted body image and disordered eating."

so told wade absolutley the truth about Mia and Ana and all

and he was kindof upset and said to him “i understand if you dont want to deal with it, if you dont want to, i understand”

and he grabbed me and was like

"im not leaving you, im going to be here for you through this"

and then he put his fist to his chest and said

"im your rock"

hes actually amazing, i cant believe it.

one of the worst things about trying to recover and be better is after you eat and you have to just sit and hold on through the wave of terror that just engulfs you for the few hours after.



so i havnt actually told anyone this but i need to get it out.

ive been to like four classes at uni in about four weeks.

i want to go, i want to do well, but somehow when i wake up, the anxiety of food, my body, hunger, not hunger, if i should eat, and when i want to either bingeing or not binging but always purging. it just feels safer to stay at home and not have to confront myself in a dance studio.

and i so desperately want to fix it because i want to do well and be good but its holding me back and i cant seem to loosen its grip and im going to fail and im just so scared i dont know what to do.

and you know its funny

usually when i have a bad head day, i cant get outof it

not even with sam, it would still linger

but with wade it fades

and that scared Mia and Anna.

but it makes me happy.


realised i havnt been blogging as much because ive started keeping a proper journal again about whats happening during the day and what ive been feeling like i used to. Like entries everyday instead of once in a while which was just jibber about mia and ana and then leaving it for a few weeks again.

i think this is a good thing.

also this week im calling that councellor lady ive had a letter from for a few months.

also this week im telling wade.