i dont know how to help my brother because i think about when i was like that, and i cant imagine anything that would have gotten through to me. what can i say? i know what its like to feel the way he is feeling. I know what he is thinking. which i the hardest thing. because i cant think of anything i could say that would break into it.



found this photo of my brother and i in adelaide in 2007, i was 13 and he was 8 i think. 
we had just moved to adelaide and it was the first day of schools.
its so bitter sweet this photo because it was the year where everything changed for me in so many good ways, i came out of my shell, was able to be myself in a better co-ed government school, i started working hard on my ballet, i found life long friends and was with my first ‘Love’
But at the same time this photo was the beginning of ED overtaking my life after just waiting and hinting in the back of my head, and it was the beginning of the next six years of my fathers alcoholism, abuse and family hell, the year i lost my father.
i wouldn’t take any of it back though. 

 

p.s i have grown about a centimetre since then and now he’s about an inch taller than me.

asshole.



so ive had (another) pretty bad day

but i was sitting in the library reading a sylvia plath book after having bawled my eyes out to my unit chair, and a guy came up to me and said,

"um excuse me, well i just wanted to tell you, my friends and i were watching you walk around, and we just wanted to say, the sun is out today because of you, and you look beautiful in that dress"

and i just sat there stunned and then my voice kindof shook and i said

"oh wow, oh wow really that so nice, oh wow thankyou,"

and he just said, 

"thats okay, have a good day"
and smiled and walked away

and i just sat there feeling, something. like something good. 



so annoyed

just posted this on a “thinspiration” face book page that claims to not promote pro-ana only health girls. funny thing is all the “healthy” girls are thin as fuck, blonde and all look the same. fuck people.

"sure looks like you’re supporting super thin girls. you should be so ashamed that your promoting pictures of super thin girls claiming it to be "healthy" inspiration and that nothing else matters as long as your ribs are visible and you waist is tiny. this is the same concept as pro-ana just in a different, just as damaging light. congratulate yourself for the complexes you are simply fuelling in girls with distorted body image and disordered eating."



so told wade absolutley the truth about Mia and Ana and all

and he was kindof upset and said to him “i understand if you dont want to deal with it, if you dont want to, i understand”

and he grabbed me and was like

"im not leaving you, im going to be here for you through this"

and then he put his fist to his chest and said

"im your rock"

hes actually amazing, i cant believe it.



one of the worst things about trying to recover and be better is after you eat and you have to just sit and hold on through the wave of terror that just engulfs you for the few hours after.



somedays

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unleash

so i havnt actually told anyone this but i need to get it out.

ive been to like four classes at uni in about four weeks.

i want to go, i want to do well, but somehow when i wake up, the anxiety of food, my body, hunger, not hunger, if i should eat, and when i want to either bingeing or not binging but always purging. it just feels safer to stay at home and not have to confront myself in a dance studio.

and i so desperately want to fix it because i want to do well and be good but its holding me back and i cant seem to loosen its grip and im going to fail and im just so scared i dont know what to do.



and you know its funny

usually when i have a bad head day, i cant get outof it

not even with sam, it would still linger

but with wade it fades

and that scared Mia and Anna.

but it makes me happy.





realised i havnt been blogging as much because ive started keeping a proper journal again about whats happening during the day and what ive been feeling like i used to. Like entries everyday instead of once in a while which was just jibber about mia and ana and then leaving it for a few weeks again.

i think this is a good thing.

also this week im calling that councellor lady ive had a letter from for a few months.

also this week im telling wade.



ATTENTION PRETTY PLEASE

For those of you who live in melbourne, who do or have suffered from, or known someone who does or has suffered from an eating disorder, and old friend of mine has arranged the event
FREE TO BE BEAUTIFUL

it is to raise awareness of eating disorders in our society and encourage people to get help, or help others as well as educate us on the hope there always is.

tickets are $80 dollars, including a meal and wine and beer as well as guest speakers from EDFV, music and the chance to wear pretty dresses :)
here is the link to the event

https://www.facebook.com/events/277949452312599/ 

it is in watsonia, i know its a hike and it costs moneys  but she has worked so hard and its such a wonderful cause please even just consider going.
i know its hard to hear about it, especially so close to home
i know i personally will have trouble, but its for the hope and the dreams and just for the life there is in all of us.

please message me if you would like to buy a ticket :)
and/or email freetobebeautifulmaskball@gmail.com

love you all x 



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i ask.

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fuck

i relapsed massively today. i feel empty. no, hopelessly empty.